Schizo? Maybe. But atleast we can accept me.

i got a livejournal.

livejournal.com/users/calendersdying


go there. now.


foo.

this is to the demon:

Everytime we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that i get
But i haven't missed you yet
Every room-mate kept awake
By every silent scream we make
All the feelings that i get
But i still don't miss you yet

Only when i stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
why do i love you
I hate everything about you
why do i love you

everytime we lie awake
after every hit we take
every feeling that i get
but i haven't missed you yet

only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
why do i love you
I hate everything about you
why do i love you

only when i stop to think about you,
I know
only when you stop to think about me,
do you know

I hate everything about you
why do I love you
you hate everything about me
why do you love me

I hate
you hate
I hate
you love me

I hate everything about you
why do I love you

I call you! Hooray! You'll always be my best friend. Double hooray!

BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD BoReD

Being sick is the devil. Watching boys do social dance is not the devil. The Ring is a silly movie. Full of magic and wonderment. Is wonderment a word? It is now. Yee. I should eat now. 'Cause you know eating, it's required to live. Oh yeahhhh. Have a marvelous day folks.

Mikayla, I hate you.

Sarah! I love you. A lot.

Racket Head

i'm sorry.
so sorry i'm not perfect,
not the little angel i was.
i search for her incessantly to make you happy,
but i think all this hurt has killed her.


i only want to please you,
but in trying to doing that
it seems i've lost myself.
and somewhere in between all those
gold star reports
and
A plus projects
the smiling little girl
who laughed and beared a smile
can now hardly bear to smile.


i know you don't believe me,
how could one possibly lose herself?
i've asked myself the same
and came to the conclusion
that she is gone;
all of her goodness,
her innocence-
your appeasing puppet
is gone.


i try- i really do.
i search all those places she used to go;
those pictures she used to draw-
to find a hint as to where she's gone
but all i seem to find
is all the hurt that was built up inside,
slowly leaking into the ink of the pen
she so frequently wrote with.


maybe i know too much
to smile anymore.
just being aware of all the pain in the world
makes me want to sacrifice myself for the smallest thing.
and it spirals me into this strange feeling
that i do not deserve this life.
all these people with such hunger
and all i do is sit here
with a frown on my face
and a full plate.
i will not be pleased
until i am starving.
starving and pure;
starving and happy;
starving and free;
such wonderful things associated with hunger.


i think i'm going crazy.
is it normal to cry for no reason?
to sit and realize that you have good grades,
good food,
and a nice house
and break into hysterics?
is it ok to watch someone smile
and get this overwhelming sense
of wanting to smother them?
i don't have enough trust in anyone-
to actually believe anyone could ever love me
or feel anything but hatred toward me
is almost impossible.


i try to tell myself
the would be's
and the could be's
and the should be's
of my life.
i would be making them unhappy.
i could be making them unhappy.
i should be unhappy.


i deserve this.
i deserve this pain,
this blood,
these tears.
i deserve fear,
and unworthiness.
i deserve what he brings me,
and nothing more.


i'm going through wars in my mind.
so when i tell you to stop screaming,
and you haven't said a word,
please know that i'm just trying to quiet this racket in my head.

It's like the Big J said, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Gimme gimme gimme some gravy tonight. That's from Sister Act. Good stuff. Don't fight. It's dumb. That's all for today, folks.